Pete blinked groggily, a heavy fog weighing on his mind. His vision blurred, what he was seeing, as indecipherable as his own thoughts. What was going on? Where was he? The last he had remembered, was kicking a strange little skirt wearing midget into a bush. Then, waking up here.
Gradually sight began to return, alongside his other senses. Skin tingling with an odd humid heat, his nose filled with the stench of alien scents. Earthen, floral, yet damp, and somehow spicy.
"Who is there?" He called loudly, pushing his fist into the soft earth, to lift himself to his knees, then up onto his feet. Was this... A jungle? What in the halls of Gorath. How? Moments ago, he had been freezing his massive bollocks off, walking bare-foot over frozen landscapes topped with powder-white snow. Now? A fucking jungle? How?
"Pete?" The massive barbarian double took as he turned towards his name.
"I thought you dead, Bandit boy." He rumbled, allowing surprise to infect his tone. "Little autismo point stick, bandit boy-poof." He gestured with his hands in a way that was supposed to show how the Bandit leader had exploded into a cloud of ash. Meat-sweats blinked, though not in confusion. His head tilted back, chest heaving, before a great sneeze ripped free, though as it escaped, the man exploded. "Yes." Pete nodded, watching the tiny flakes of ash as they drifted down into a soft grey pile over the green moss covered earth underfoot. Pete frowned, watching as the ash began to shift, as if millions of tiny ants carried them toward a central point, that grew and grew, before shifting suddenly.
"What in Chaos's name!" Meat-sweats shouted, suddenly restored to full form.
"SILENCE!" A sudden voice roared from behind, causing Pete to spin, Great axe in hand as he faced the intruder. Then froze. It was... a badger. a large, black and white, badger. "YOU HAVE ALL BEEN CHOSEN."
"Silence yourself, bear." Pete barked, annoyed at being commanded by a rodent.
"THE INSOLENCE!" The badger roared, then flung one paw forward. Immediately, Pete's battle skirt blurred, then reassembled into a frilly pink tutu. "WRONG PAW." The badger roared, then flung the other clawed mit forward. Pain. Pain like Pete had never experienced before, ripped through his body. "I AM AUHSOJ THE TERRORIST BADGER, AND YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN!"
"for what?" Meat sweats called, pulling the beast's attention from Pete. Immediately, the pain subsided.
"I REQUIRE AN ITEM."
"What item?"
"A VERY VALUABLE ONE." Meat sweats cast a glance of confusion to the barbarian, who shrugged in response as soon as it became clear the badger had done speaking.
"Which is?"
"A VERY RARE, VALUABLE ITEM."
"Look, dude." The Bandit started, exasperated. "Are you going to tell us what it is?"
"IT IS A MYSTICAL ITEM, A FANTASTICAL CREATION. I REQUIRE-"
"Fucking finally."
"ThE BUTTBEAN."
"The what?" Meat sweats blinked in shock.
"THE BUTTBEAN IS A VERY RARE-"
"Yeah yeah, very rare, very valuable mystical item, blah blah."
"IT LIES AT THE HEART OF THE DEN OF THE PLACE THAT ISN'T, HELD BY THE GUY THAT WENT THERE TO DO THE THING THAT HE DID, AT THE TIME THAT HE DID IT, WITH THE STUFF HE NEEDED TO DO IT WITH." Meat sweats frowned, then pinched himself.
"I'm either extremely high, or the afterlife is an extremely fucked up place." He muttered. The badger waved its paw once more, a move punctuated by a flinching grimace from the big warrior before him, before two portals appeared, floating just above the ground. The leftern-most portal, blood-red, with a burning heat radiating from within. The other, blue, emitting an icy cool.
"BEFORE YOU, LAY TWO CHOICES." The badger continued, as Pete glanced down as something tickled his chest. A beetle. The same one that had crawled over Grant's arm.
"Fuck off." He growled, flicking the insect, which buzzed loudly before it took flight.
"Don't." Meat sweats muttered. "That's a Carson. The fuckers are like Roaches, only worse."
"ONE CHOICE, WILL BRING YOU GREAT WEALTH, AT GREAT COST." The badger's boomed cut the man off. "THE OTHER, QUITE A LOT OF CAKE. AND PERHAPS SOME RED PILLOWS, THE TYPE THAT HAVE THE ANNOYING TASSLES THAT NO ONE LIKES."
"Okay, so which is which?"
"THAT, IS FOR YOU TO DECIDE." The badger stared up at the Bandit, then began to move its paws in a waving motion before it, whilst shouting "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO" In what Pete assumed was supposed to be a mysterious tone, as it backed away into the dense foliage, leaving them with the two portal.
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