It was a cold, winters night. The moon full, bright enough to banish the darkness over the snow addled plains spread before them. Pete sighed, dramatically, of course, watching as his breath misted before him.
"What was that?" Meat-sweats hissed, his eyes wild as he scanned their surroundings. They had left the Emerald nearly a week prior, though most of the group showed little sign of recovery. Even the little red man, the one that Pete could never remember his actual name, who masqueraded about pretending to be a high priest of Chaos, seemed on edge.
"Ain't nothing there." Royston called, shooting a glower over to the other man. Royston, was the only member of the group whom it appeared, that the road had left unscathed. How, Pete had no clue, for the little rotund man was anything but impressive. Why would he be able to resist the whispers, when Pete, the great warrior himself, could not? Pete snorted two great plumes of steam, as he stared down at the man, who returned his stare impassively.
"A man that looks at me like that, either wants a fight, or a bum." Royston paused, cocking his head. "I'm down for either."
"Your mouth big, for little round creature." Pete boomed, shaking his head with a grin. The man certainly had a way with words.
"Ain't the only big thing on my body." Royston winked, as Pete laughed uproariously.
"So what's the plan?" Meat-sweats asked, shutting the interaction down with a panicked look. As if he thought the noise would attract the ghosts that they had left behind.
"I guess we go ahead with the original." Grant answered, flicking a beetle away from the sleeve of his red arm. "Sarah's not coming back."
"less to pay. More for Pete." The massive barbarian shrugged as he walked.
"Heartless bastard." Meat-sweats chided the bigger man, then sighed. "Where even are we-" The Bandit leader cut short with a grunt of pain, as a rock ploughed into his jaw. "Hey, what the fuck!" He shouted, spinning around aimlessly, in search of his attacker, but to no avail.
"Over there!" Grant called, pointing towards a dense patch of snow-capped thorny thicket, that exploded with motion. Tiny people, no more than three feet in height, skinny with identical mops of soft brown hair, came cascading out from within. Each little man roaring in a chipmunk-like tone, hefting sharpened sticks, and rocks high overhead.
"What in the-" Again Meat-sweats was cut short as the nearest tiny person slammed its bare foot into the Bandit's sin, causing him to yelp in pain as he hopped on one foot. "Get away!" He shrieked, toppling over, only to be swarmed by countiless others, each slamming crudely sharpened stick, and small pebbles, against his leather armour. Each thrust as innefective as the last.
"Fookin gettim!" One of the creatures squealed,
"Wallium Wallice!" Another screeched, as it slammed a pea size pebble against Meat-sweat's belly.
"Fur Skuuurtlend!" A third tittered as it slapped the man in the face with its palm.
"Get off!" The bandit shouted, swiping all four creatures away with one arm, with ease, sending the little creatures scattering back a few paces, before they reformed into an adorable little unit. Pete blinked in surprise. If he wasn't mistaken, each of these little creatures, were identical.
"We well neffer gef yoo air freedurm!" The lead creature yelled, then turned. "Breng en tha Balbag!" It roared, in a tone akin to a ma that had had his testicles locked in a clamp. The ground shuddered, bush that they had exploded from shaking, with each step of what the creatures had summoned, as the crew looked on in confusion.
"Baaaaaaaaalbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!" A fifth creature burst from the brush, this one as small as the overs, yet hideously obese. "Baaaaaaaaaaaalbaaaaaaag!" It roared again, stamping its left foot, much in the way a raging bull might have done. Without warning, it lowered its head, then charged. "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalbaaaaaaaaaaaaag!" it screamed. Pete frowned as the pudgey creature neared, moving rapidly. He grunted, pulling his foot back, then swung it forward, kicking the little creature like a childs ball. "Baaaaaalllbaaaaaggg!" It squealed in shock, as it flew high overhead, to disappear amongst the scrubland.
"Halt!" One of the four identical creatures shouted suddenly, extending a single child-like finger toward them. "Ur Feece tha wrath uf tha Abused!" Pete groaned, as another tiny creature stepped out from the bush. This one, wore a comically too large blue robe, emblazoned with bright yellow stars, and a matching crooked pointy hat.
"Autsimo Badismo!" It squealed, flicking a wonky twig-like wand toward Meat-sweats, who frowned, as a bright burst of light exploded from its tip. The bandit leader's eyes went wide as the plume of light neared, shifting in attempt of escape, but it was too late. The moment the light touched him, the man turned to ash. "Autismo bad-"
"Wait!" Grant shouted. "You are Skurtish?" He spoke quickly, watching as the five little people frowned, the fat creature emerging from the forest to the side with a hurt look locked to his features.
"Proud, Skurtish Wurrias." one of the four identical creatures called, as the wizard creature stared daggers at them.
"Then you are men of honour. No?"
"Greet Honah." The wizard creature shot back.
"Then why are you attacking weary travellers that mean you no harm?"
"Becaz you be here to take me men!" The wizard yelled animatedly, raising his wand once more as if in attempt of attack.
"No!" Grant replied, holding both hands up. "We don't wan't your men! No one wants your men!"
"Men are shit!" Royston shouted, unhelpfully. "Hate men." Pete watched in confusion as the group shouted back and forth.
"You are rat men?" He spoke loudly in his normal rumble, a sound that drowned out all others.
"Ret men?" one of the little things exclaimed. "Ret men!" He repeated. "I em Cammy of whammy, this be Cammyiette of Irnbru, Cammyildo of Umamabutt, and Cammylicious of BailsonMCM. We air the fur guardienz of Skurtland." A tiny fist slammed to chest at this declaration, as the four men nodded at one another in what appeared to be some sort of traditional greeting. Each of these men wore not top, and a strange plaid skirt. "And thart" He pointed at the wizard. "Is Jack thay abused. Tha leading wizard in tha feeyeld of Autismo."
"Autismo?" Pete asked, then realised he didn't care. "You have food?" He boomed instead.
"We dus." The small creature nodded.
"Little man give big man food. Big man, no step on little man."
"Ye can never step on Skurtland!" one of the other identical creatures squealed, raised his stick, then ran full pelt at Pete, who moved forward, and crushed him with his boot.
"Skurtland surrenders!" The lead speaker squeaked, dropping into a deep bow.
